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[07 Nov 2006|11:42pm] |
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Yes, I am actually alive! But really only in the physical sense of the word.
I've felt crushed for the past few weeks. I don't know how else to describe it. I don't know what "it" is. Certainly not depression; not stress; not anxiety. I'm not unsatisfied with my life, I'm just not getting any enjoyment out of it, nor have I been functioning to my full ability. Actually, other than eating, breathing, sleeping and meeting life's other necessities, I'm accomplishing very little. School had been going well, but now I've got two overdue papers (one long overdue, in fact--almost a month), about 5 chapters of reading to catch up on, and a huge test on Monday that I'm extremely unprepared for. All of my classes were especially interesting to me. Now, I have trouble staying awake through them. I never have anything to contribute to the discussions, or, if I do, I lack the drive to get involved. It's completely unlike me. I've given up on things that I consider fundamental to who I am--being one of the only fifteen year olds (yes, fifteen! My birthday was a couple weekends ago.) who reads books outside of class, for instance. Since the beginning of October, I don't think I've so much as cracked the pages of a book not on the curriculum. Worst of all, I've been ridiculously obsessive-compulsive about scheduling out every aspect of my life. My therapist says this is just my way of maintaining a "false sense of control." I don't know what I'm trying to control, though. My entire existence has centered on three things--exercise, eating, and school. Even if I want to do something else, I waste so much time (a total of six hours on Saturday! It's getting to be goddamn absurd.) planning all my activities around how and when I'm going to exercise, what and when I'm going to eat, and when I'm going to be at school, that I end up having no way of fitting them into my schedule.
Maybe I'm trying to deny it, but I honestly believe I'm not depressed. Just neurotic, which, granted, isn't much better. In fact, it's probably a lot worse. I'm thinking about going on an SSRI, because I'm so embarrassed and ashamed about the way I am right now. It took me three weeks to so much as admit to my psychologist that I was having these problems. I feel like a spoiled brat who constantly pisses and moans, even when there's nothing legitimate to be in a fuss over.
I apologize for making my first entry in over two months so unpleasant. Maybe now that I've got the whining out of my system, I'll actually be able to give this journal some real substance (which, hopefully, will be reflective of some real substance back in my life).
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[29 Sep 2006|11:01pm] |
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There are no words to describe how amazing sophomore year has been, so in some sense any attempt at writing an entry about it is bound to be futile. That said, I'm going to proceed anyway.
All of my classes are remarkably interesting. Even AP World History, which was painfully dull for the first two weeks, has gotten better. It still isn't much of a challenge for some reason, but perhaps it's just because history is my forte. Honors English has been the most work so far. Every other night, we have to put a journal entry or essay up on Blackboard and then provide "constructive criticism" (mine tends to be more critical than constructive, according to my teacher) on the other students' posts before the next class. The whole notion of assignments with an 8 PM deadline is somewhat new to me, and as a procrastinator, it sort of works against my nature. Oh well. Perhaps over time, this will help alter my poor study habits?
Debate Team, Model UN, and the dozen other clubs or so I'm in are keeping me exceptionally busy. Everyone--even my dad, the ultimate overachiever--thinks that I need to chill out before I become a real live model of the perfect college application. I sort of see their point. At this level of stress, I'll probably have gray hair by the time I graduate. I've been meeting lots of people, though, and it's nice to have something resembling a normal social life on the weekends for once in my life. Yes, this is actually the first Friday night in four weeks that I've been home before 11 PM. Who knew there was even a shred of a social animal in me?
That's all, really. I've completely failed to explain WHY this year has been so amazing, but it just has been. I can't really explain it. I'm content with life for the first time in as long as I can remember. My biggest concern right now is the fact that PSATs are coming up in about three weeks, and hell, they don't even "count" for anything or serve any real purpose this year. It's sort of (okay, extremely) silly that I'm fretting so much over a practice practice test, but for the past week or so, I've been having nightmares about showing up with only 20 minutes remaining in the exam and completely bombing it. I'm such a spaz.
It seems I am being dragged off to go watch "Forrest Gump" with the family now. Hope you're all having a great year!
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[01 Sep 2006|08:59pm] |
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School has begun. Four days of sophomore year under my belt already. I'm just as awkward as I was during freshman year, only now I know how to walk from one class to another without getting horribly turned around. There's not much to go on, but so far I like all of my classes. AP World History doesn't sound nearly as challenging as it should for a college-level course. In fact, I am far more intimidated by Honors Chemistry. I'm definitely going to get my head served to myself on a plate by the periodic table. This notion of atoms and elements and isotopes and noble gases is terribly confusing. Science just isn't my thing, so what praytell compelled me to sign up for an advanced class? Considering the fact I'm confused by what our teacher classifies as "baby Chemistry," I suspect I will still be asking myself the same thing by the time finals come around in June.
I'm trying to be much more outgoing this year, meaning I'm doing everything in my power not to escape to a private reading booth in the library during my few free periods. I've been speaking to a few new people, and I was even invited out tonight (though I of course turned down the offer, knowing I'd end up sitting awkwardly in the corner all night). It's dawned on me that people here are actually pretty decent. It seems I've been greatly underestimating their ability to be friendly, interesting individuals ever since the sixth grade. Perhaps this year will serve to restore my faith in humanity, but I won't let myself set my expectations that high just to make sure I won't be sorely disappointed.
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[21 Aug 2006|12:31am] |
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mood |
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Absolutely nothing worth writing about has happened this past month, hence the complete lack of updates. If anything's testament to how uneventful and dull my summer has been, it's the fact that I've written fewer journal entries over the span of two months than I used to write in any given week of the school year. Fortunately, classes are finally starting up again on the 29th. The dork in me (and keep in mind that dorkiness is basically my only element) is extremely excited to get back to school. Sophomore year! I don't have my schedule yet, but I signed up for six academics and two electives, so I suspect I won't have as many free periods to sit around the library killing time with Sudoku puzzles as I did last year. It should be rather fun, though. My first AP class ever; practice PSAT's in October; co-president of Model UN; potentially doing Mock Trial and the Speech/Debate team. God, I sound like the perfect college application in the making. But honestly, it has nothing to do with that. The scary thing is that I am genuinely excited about everything I've signed up for. It partly has to do with the fact that I feel like I've been a huge waste of life this summer, since what minimal energy I've had was entirely wasted on recovering from heart surgery. In some sense, I'm looking forward to school so much merely because it's an excuse to step out of the house, but yeah. At least I'll finally be getting back in the swing of things, so to speak.
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[27 Jul 2006|03:28pm] |
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mood |
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"It's Summertime" - The Flaming Lips |
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Well, between the closing of our new house last Monday and the closing of our old house last Thursday, we managed to pack up all our junk and get moved out. Only thing we accidentally left behind was a key to my grandmother's condo in Vermont, and if anyone even went through the trouble of figuring out her address and god forbid driving three hours to attempt a break-in, she'd just chase them down with an oversized broomstick.
Unfortunately, the move has taken over my family's life, and since I currently rely on them for everything from putting away my laundry to driving me out for dinner, I feel like I've become permanantely attached to the couch in the family room. I've seen more movies in the past week than I can count with two hands and two feet, and the only human beings I interact with are stuck in a 42-inch TV screen. It's actually been making me ridiculously bummed out. First time I really got out in the past week was to see "Devil Wears Prada" with my brother last night. I typically abhor anything starring Anne Hathaway, but I was actually incredibly impressed by her performance. With the whole movie, really. Hard to believe I'm saying this, but it may even be one of my favorites. I'm planning on ordering the Lauren Weisberger novel off Barnes & Noble soon as I can scrounge up 8 dollars.
So yes, mostly I've just been sitting around a lot, which doesn't amount to a very interesting journal entry. Not exactly how I envisioned my summer, but at least I'm getting the relaxation I wanted.
Oh, and that family Dell that crapped out, cutting me off from the cyber world for the first half of the summer? Several useless attempts to revive it later, it was officially put to rest at the recycling center today! My parents finally bought a laptop for themselves, and, to reward me for getting straight A's this year (or, more accurately, to keep me away from their new, overpriced computer), they agreed to buy me a desktop for my room. As of yesterday morning, I'm the proud owner of an iMac, complete with a 20-inch flat screen, a CD/DVD burner, and tons of terribly addictive programs like GarageBand and Photo Booth. If it weren't so pathetic, it would be depressing how 48 hours ago, a severe case of cabin fever was getting ready to set in, but now the prospect of spending all day, every day holed up in the house actually doesn't seem all that bad. Oy! Well, I guess this is what happens when a 14 year old with four friends is deprived of a computer for almost two months.
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[09 Jul 2006|12:19pm] |
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It's finally summer! And yes, I am still alive. No, my computer isn't. After so much time away from the internet, it actually seems like some odd invention that is way ahead of my time.
It's been a couple weeks since my heart surgery now. For someone whose body was just taken apart at the sternum, I am feeling remarkably healthy. By choice, I still spend a lot of time in bed, readily working my way through a two-page book list I amassed for the purposes of post-op summer reading. The cardiologist wants me to start getting back in shape, though, so my dad's been taking me for a walk around the block every morning.
It's funny how just as I'm about to move away, I'm beginning to pick up on all these little details that went unnoticed for the 12 years that I've lived in this neighborhood. Only eight more days, and then I'm gone. It's so hard--almost too hard--to believe. Yet somehow, it feels like all these transitions are cancelling themselves out: like in spite of all the changes I'm going through, I am, for all intents in purposes, the exact same person stuck in the exact same place. Or maybe that is just what I want to believe, for comfort's sake. I don't know. There's not much I know right now, except that the only time I'm perfectly content is when I've got my nose stuck in a book, snooping my way around Vonnegut's or or Nabokov's or Kafka's world.
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[17 Jun 2006|11:14am] |
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"Girls of Summer" by Aerosmith |
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After six years of reliable and mostly not-so-reliable operation, the family Dell finally met its demise to an onslaught of nasty viruses. I've had even less success at finishing my now horrendously overdue English final on my Dad's laptop, but without constant access to instant messenger and other tools of procrastination, I've gotten a ridiculous amount of studying done for my finals. Three exams left, then my brother's graduation next week, surgery the following day, and finally summer! It still feels bittersweet for me to be done with my first year of high school, but that's sort of overshadowed--and rightly so--by the blend of relief, excitement, anxiety, and nostalgia that my brother's been overwhelmed with since his last day of classes.
Not much else to say, because my entire existence has been centered on school and finals and packing up my house for the move in mid-July. My greatest accomplishment has probably been deciding on a reading list for my post-surgery recovery. As of now: "Lolita," "Everything is Illuminated" and "Naked Lunch." I'll probably get through at least three or four more before I'm well enough to do something other than poke my nose in a book, so any suggestions are welcome.
Don't know when I'll be able to update again between the comuter situation and the hospital stay, but in case it's a while: Good luck on the final crunch of exams, and a very Happy Summer to all of you!
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[08 Jun 2006|09:19pm] |
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"5-45" by Gang of Four |
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Other than the Kafka binge I've been on since Tuesday, this week has been almost entirely out of character for me. I seem to have caught some nasty side effects of my brother's status as a second semester senior. Unfortunately for me, my low productivity level actually matters as much or more than it did earlier in the year. There is no way I am going to get away with the good time I've been having these past few days, from going to a 9 o'clock movie (or any movie, for that matter) on a school night; to agreeing to do a diner run at 1 am instead of finishing my English final assessment; to leaving school an hour early to go into the city and not returning until what would be an abnormally late bedtime even on a weekend. Oh well. Everyone, even my mom, thinks 14 is way too young to be this concerned over the next five years of my existence. I agree, but for the sake of my GPA, I am grateful that it took me until the week before summer vacation to finally realize that.
Yet here I am, still feeling pangs of guilt that I opted for writing this journal entry over finishing my homework, especially when its only conceivable purpose in five years is a good laugh at what an absurd kid I was. I think I am a lost hope when it comes to "chilling."
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[05 Jun 2006|05:52pm] |
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For a couple weeks now, I've been ravenous, eating everything edible--and in one unfortunate case, inedible--in sight. I'm hoping this means I'll legitimately be over 5' some time in the next month, or at least by the time school starts in the fall. Yes; I am already referring to next year as "the fall." This is a good indicator of just how close summer is. Just seven, or some other unbelievably small number, days of school left before finals now. Insane.
Anyway, I've been in much better spirits lately. As I pointed out at the beginning of May, there's something about a new month that sends my serotonin levels soaring for at least a week. I probably have some rare form of Seasonal Affective Disorder that cycles monthly rather than seasonally. Or, more likely, perhaps it's just good old coincidence. Either way, things are surprisingly good.
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[01 Jun 2006|08:04pm] |
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"Make-up Sex" by Clear Static |
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Yikes. The sky opened up and is unleashing Hell on Connecticut in the form of rain and thunder. I can't help feeling like I'm stuck in the production of some low-budget movie on the Vietnam War.
Unfortunately, the storm has foiled my plans to go get much-needed comfort food (i.e. McDonald's french fries, piled with an excessive amount of salt and ketchup to maximize the probability of getting high blood pressure and clogged arteries). My dad believes that having had his license for a year, my brother is unfit to drive in such conditions, and although he himself feels confident with 30 years of driving experience under his belt, he doesn't want to deal with other nitwits on the road who travel at ten miles per hour as if it's going to make the rain slow down, too. Clearly he has been out of high school to long to understand the urgency of this situation.
On the contrary, though, I must admit that this was one of the best days I've had in a while. I suppose my only "problem" is that I feel some sort of impending doom, with two tests tomorrow and three major projects due on Monday. In all likelihood, I'm just concocting reasons to indulge in extremely fatty foods. But should people be denied such pleasures once in a while? I think not.
Ah, well. Happy June, everybody.
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[29 May 2006|11:44pm] |
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"Andy Warhol" by David Bowie |
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It's been a long weekend in all senses of the word. Suffice it to say that I'm quite glad this month is finally coming to an end.
Still, I can hardly fathom the fact that my first year of high school is almost over. Not that I consider this as a huge milestone in my life, but wow. Something about it is so surreal. I feel an odd sense of accomplishment, yet part of me also regrets that I didn't make any significant advances this year. For all intents and purposes, I'm the same person that I was back in September, except now I've got an atrocious sleep cycle and much more teenage angst.
I just wish I could start making sense of things again. Even the most trivial tasks are terribly perplexing. I can't help thinking that something has gone horribly wrong with me.
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[24 May 2006|09:57pm] |
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mood |
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"Julie" by Cher |
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I'm better now, physically and otherwise, except for this unhealthy Cher obsession that I developed while in a vulnerable emotional state. According to my step-sister, this makes me "such a waste of a straight boy."
Now that I'm realizing how few days of school are left, I am becoming inordinately worried about my final report card. My anxiety is, of course, wholly irrational, especially considering the extremely narrow time frame during which I even have the capability of royally screwing up my semester averages. Also, as my dad pointed out, the only reason my grades would drop significantly is if I stressed myself out to the point of brain stroke.
...Which, at this point, actually doesn't seem all that unlikely.
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[18 May 2006|08:21pm] |
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Oh my word, I am ill!
I've spent most of the day in bed, fighting the allied attack of allergies and the flu on my immune system. 660 mg of Aleve later, my brain still feels like it's trying to forcibly push its way out of my skull. It's going to be painfully amusing to see what pathetic excuse for an English essay I am able to come up with by the end of the night.
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[16 May 2006|09:47pm] |
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lethargic |
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"Dangerous" by the Anix |
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I was consuming my third bowl of Cheerios and running 15 minutes late for first period by the time my bus got here this morning. Dad couldn't take me because he had an 8 o'clock appointment, and when I asked my brother for a ride, I got a 900-page textbook hurdled at my head. Sadly, that's probably the most use he's gotten out of the book all year.
It seems like it's been raining for days now, or maybe it's just the mood I'm in. Either way, tonight was horribly disappointing in so many respects. I shouldn't complain, though, since I willingly put myself in a situation where I knew I was bound to get hurt.
My dad thinks I should go on antidepressants. I think I should go on summer vacation, with a stack of books and new prescription reading glasses. Honestly, if I have any emotional disorder, it's being a teenager. An overworked, underslept teenager.
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[15 May 2006|07:08pm] |
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"Distortions" by Clinic |
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Life is pretty good, I suppose. Just the usual teenage drama and an extremely bad sinus headache to deal with. So it goes.
Much to my surprise, this past weekend was tolerable, even though my mother held me hostage from Friday night to Sunday afternoon. During my waking hours, she only let me out of her sight once, to see "Thank You For Smoking" with my brother. A brilliant film, in my opinion, but according to my mom, it was inappropriate for me because I'm "cynical enough without being brainwashed by Hollywood." Good to know that she is so confident in my ability to be a free-thinking individual.
But honestly, I shouldn't rail against her. We actually managed to get along well this weekend, and even if it is just for my own sanity, I'd like to keep that up. Things have also gotten better with my dad, even though he called me in a huge fuss over my mid-quarter report. Turns out two of my teachers filled in the wrong bubbles, so I came up as "disrupts class discussion" instead of "a pleasure to have in class" and "in danger of failing" instead of "performs well on tests." Not only did my dad admit he was wrong, but he even treated me to Cold Stone to make his apology especially compelling. Nothing says "I'm sorry" like Type II Diabetes in a cup.
As for now, I've just got a research paper to write and a powerpoint presentation to put together. Then, 24, and perhaps what I'm looking forward to most: eight hours of Benadryl-induced sleep.
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[12 May 2006|04:13pm] |
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"If" - Islands |
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Wow. Not only did I forget that it's Mother's Day this Sunday, I also forgot that it's my mum's weekend to take me. She just called to let me know she's already on her way to pick me up, in hopes we can beat the dinner crowd to Cheesecake Factory for my grandma's birthday. This means I have a little under an hour to shower, dress, pack my things, and get my school work together. Admittedly, it's bothersome that she expects my entire world to come crashing to a halt for her at just a minute's notice, but it's hard to complain when I have an unbelievably delicious three-course meal to look forward to.
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[11 May 2006|08:08pm] |
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annoyed |
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"Kind of a Drag" - The Buckinghams |
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I hate these "I'm going to make a point by getting my seat changed in math class so I'm all the way across the room from you" sort of fights. It bothers me that my friends don't have the decency to be civil and mature after a disagreement. But whatever. My dad says I shouldn't let them have the satisfaction of getting me so riled up, and I guess he's right.
This week has just felt painfully long. Every morning since Tuesday, I've woken up thinking, "Thank god tomorrow is Saturday," and been sorely disappointed to realize that, in fact, I still had a whole school week to get through. Just one more day now.
No plans for the weekend, as per usual, but I'm thinking about visiting Hyde Park with my dad on Saturday. I just finished reading "The People and the President," and I'm on a bit of an FDR kick now. Visiting his home would serve as a sort of fix until my next order--a CD of his speeches--comes from Amazon. I'm a dork, I know.
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[08 May 2006|11:01pm] |
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"Hang on Sloopy" by the McCoys |
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Unbeknownst to me, my science teacher scheduled an exam for today covering everything we've studied this semester. It is not hyperbole when I say that my jaw dropped to the floor as I walked into class. Basically, the test assassinated me and dumped my body in a roadside ditch. My only hope is an extremely generous curve, which is unlikely since this is a teacher who has this nonsensical "the more points you earn, the more points you get" system to encourage people to score well.
But the school day was otherwise exceptionally good. Insead of this "Bible as Literature" unit that my English teacher had planned, we're now doing a project on any outside reading book of our choice. I'm leaning toward "Mother Night," or possibly an Oscar Wilde play if she approves. Also, I found out I got selected to be the head of our school's Model UN council next year. I'll actually be co-president with this senior who has been a part of it for the past two years, but the advisor told me this is the first time a sophomore has ever been chosen for the position. He also wants me to try out for Mock Trial, though I'll probably pass up the offer because I've already got too much to deal with between six academic classes and one elective.
So, yes. All is fairly well in the world of Academia. Can't say the same in regard to what's going on at home. Everything's too emotionally charged. We're finally starting to pack up the house, which makes moving feel like a reality for the first time since our property sold; just five days or so until the movers take the first round of furniture and boxes off to storage. At the end of next week, I'm also going for my first round of tests before I have the surgery. So, everyone in my family is understandably on edge right now. My dad's taking it the hardest, surprisingly. He's even keeping a chart to count down the days 'til all these transitions are over with. Right now: 72.
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[07 May 2006|07:38pm] |
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hungry |
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"Fly" by Nick Drake |
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'Twas a good weekend. Nothing noteworthy happened, but that's partly why I liked it so much. After two straight days of watching Pay-per-View movies, though, I feel like a bump on a log.
I did discover a few films I like, at least. Nicolas Cage has always bothered me, but I thought "The Weather Man" was ingenious. According to my friend Aaron, that probably means there's something horribly wrong with me. Admittedly, I do have a very perverted sense of humor.
"Raising Helen" was also surprisingly good. Very sad, but in an adorable way. And yes, I enjoy chick flicks. This does not shame me, any more than my appreciation for Hilary Duff songs should. (Okay, on second thought, maybe my Hilary Duff obsession is pretty embarrassing. Fortunately, there is a Pineapple & Bacon pizza in the kitchen to lure me away from the computer before I fess up to any more of my guilty pleasures...)
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[04 May 2006|06:28pm] |
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stressed |
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"Spite & Malice" by Placebo |
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Got in a huge argument with my dad today for the first time in a long time. The fact that we've been getting along so well lately makes it more disappointing, really. I guess I was naively holding onto the belief that we'd somehow risen above fighting with each other like that.
He just has this ability to rile me up in ways that no one else can. I'll do something wrong - from his perspective, at least - and then he'll use that as "evidence" to arrive at some absurd conclusion on a completely unrelated topic. e.g. I walked out of my test early today because I got a severe migraine, therefore I'm somehow too imature to go to this summer program I've been looking forward to for over a year. If I question his logic, it's just further proof that I'm "oppositional" and "emotionally insecure."
He's right about one thing, though. I've been exceptionally irritable lately. I'm relieved that school is ending, but even moreso, I'm stressed out over the changes that will bring: my brother going to college, my family moving to a new house, me having heart surgery. I feel like way too much is happening way too fast. I suppose it's lucky in a sense. I'll be getting all these transitions over with at once, and then I can just move on with my life. Sometimes it just feels like a lot to handle.
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